


three's a crowd (seven's a mob)

by bcnf3nf



Category: Lovelyz, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: (the cutest sweetest pairing), F/M, Gen, the most important pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bcnf3nf/pseuds/bcnf3nf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hyung, I can't even read half of these things!" Taehyung whisper-yells. "This is it. I'm screwed. We're screwed. Bangtan will never find love in the entertainment industry."</p><p>somehow taehyung thinks that bringing bangtan to his date would help. things go as well as you could imagine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	three's a crowd (seven's a mob)

**Author's Note:**

> written for bangtanexchange's mixtape fest
> 
> because watch [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB65RlBjH3c) and [this](https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CFq2HWCUUAEUon-.mp4) [with](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQLUj2sM1f0) [subs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZumxLmllitI) and try and tell me taehyung/sujeong aren't the most adorable cute important couple you've ever seen

The announcement of a date doesn't come as a surprise. Hoseok has, after all, informed everyone about Taehyung giggling and texting under his blanket every night. The call for help, however, is unexpected.

"I'm gonna screw everything up," Taehyung whines, exasperated, on his 13th lap around their living room. Jungkook feels a headache building inside of him just from watching.

"Sit down, you're giving me a headache," Yoongi grumbles, pulling Taehyung onto the sofa next to him. Taehyung buries his face on Yoongi's lap, whining some more. Yoongi does not seem impressed but pats Taehyung's back anyway.

Hoseok just laughs. "Relax," he suggests. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Taehyung sits up at this, eyes wide as he stares at Hoseok. "Hyung! She could hate me and spread the word to her friends and the entire idol industry will know that Bangtan are terrible at dates!" he whispers in horror.

Jungkook frowns. He does not like this. Must his chance with IU-sunbaenim be at risk just for Taehyung's nugu date? No. "I don't like this," Jungkook declares. He looks at Taehyung, a whiny little puppy, clueless about the world of dating. He tries to assess whether his other hyungs would be any help. Probably not, he decides. "Cancel the date," he demands.

Taehyung wails. Jimin makes a noise of protest to support Taehyung. Yoongi smacks Taehyung on the shoulder for yelling too close to his ear. Hoseok laughs at the commotion.

"Silencio," Seokjin says, flicking his chopsticks around.

Everyone shuts up. Namjoon looks at Seokjin judgingly. "Hyung," he begins, "this isn't Hogwarts."

"Say what you will, Namjoonie," he says, "my spells work." He turns to address the group. "Nobody's canceling any date," he announces, looking at Jungkook. Jungkook sulks. Taehyung grins for one second before burying his head on Hoseok's neck because he's-gonna-screw-this-date. "When's the date?"

"This Saturday," Jimin answers because Taehyung is still hyperventilating in Hoseok's embrace.

"Where is he taking her?"

"Uh," Jimin pauses. He mouths at Hoseok and they exchange a soundless conversation. Taehyung-wheezing.mp3 plays in the background. "The zoo? I think?"

Seokjin frowns, possibly a sign of disagreement. He has one hand rubbing his chin and the other writing words in the air with his chopsticks. Namjoon shakes his head and breathes something that sounds like _so extra_.

"Okay," Seokjin exclaims just as Jungkook is about to fall asleep, "we're taking over this date."

 

*

 

There are three things that Jungkook has learned by Saturday: 1. Their managers entertain them Too Much, 2. It is disturbingly easy to rent a stakeout van and various necessary equipments to stalk people on dates, 3. If Bangtan can't make it in the music industry, they can consider opening a private investigation service. Or Dispatch Sonyeondan. Or a comedy club, because honestly?

The date at the zoo has been replaced with a lunch date at an expensive fusion restaurant of Seokjin's choosing. "More elegant," he dubs. "Classy. Sophisticated." He mentions around ten other adjectives but Jungkook has already tuned him out by then.

The process of dressing (and undressing) Taehyung is one of the most painful thing Jungkook has ever witnessed. The things Taehyung wants to wear are always the things Seokjin has blacklisted, and the things Seokjin wants Taehyung to wear never come in Taehyung's size, because they are all Seokjin's.

"Look, you know what," Namjoon cuts the two in the middle of an argument about whether or not Taehyung is allowed to bring his oversized tote bag. "I'll dress him."

Jungkook watches the way Seokjin frowns, maybe considering this. Jungkook decides he can't watch anymore and joins Yoongi in the living room.

"Need help, hyung?"

Yoongi lifts his head up. "Never in my life have I thought I'd ever hear that from you," he replies. Jungkook rolls his eyes and approaches the table. "I'm just untangling cables, if you want to join."

Jungkook picks up a small microphone and starts untangling. "So, hyung," he begins, "you don't think this is a bad idea?"

Yoongi laughs. "The date? Or the stalking?"

Jungkook thinks. "Both," he decides.

"The date, not really," Yoongi mumbles, picking the last tangled cable apart carefully and placing it on the table. "I think we all know it's bound to happen since that MTV thing. And, well, she's cute enough for Taehyung."

Jungkook hums. Taehyung did look Too In Love on national television.

"The stalking, though," Yoongi continues, "I thought it was dumb, but man, these audio equipments are so _fascinating_ so I'm one hundred percent on board."

Jungkook pauses to make sure that Yoongi catches his judgemental stare. "Hyung, you do know these are just speakers and microphones, right?"

"I know, but look at them they're so small," Yoongi actually pats one of the earpieces lightly. "Tiny little babies," he whispers.

Before Jungkook can voice out his concerns to/about Yoongi, the door to Seokjin's room opens. Hoseok and Jimin walk out hyperactively, whispering praises like _amazing_ and _awesome_ and some unintelligible _woah_ and _wah-wah_. Seokjin and Namjoon come next, smiling proudly. Jungkook wants to know what's with all the hype.

Taehyung comes out and Jungkook understands. "Woah, hyung," he manages. Taehyung looks amazing in a black blazer, the simple white tee under it tucked into long black pants. He looks like a mix of Namjoon and Yoongi at an airport, or Hoseok on a good day, or Jimin, even. Jungkook doesn't think he looks like Taehyung. "Amazing."

Taehyung is the only one who doesn't look too happy. "I don't look like me," he complains.

"Nobody looks like themselves on a first date," Seokjin replies offhandedly. "Let's go!"

 

*

 

Ever since they moved to their new dorm, Jungkook has learned that nothing will ever be big enough for seven (or six) people to cram in. This stakeout van is one very excellent example.

"Move your foot, hyung!" Jungkook exclaims as he tries to seat himself on the floor between the door and Jimin.

"How about you just sit on my lap," Jimin suggests, suggestive eyebrow movements included. Jungkook shoves Jimin onto Hoseok's lap and takes his spot.

Ignoring Jimin's protests, Jungkook puts on his headpiece and kneels in front of the closest monitor. Taehyung is waiting in front of the restaurant, the camera pinned on his blazer moving up and down. Jungkook can easily picture Taehyung bouncing on the balls of his feet because 1. he's always been restless 2. he's Nervous, capital N.

"Will you _please_ stand still," Yoongi whines to the microphone. "You're making me nauseous."

"Sorry, hyung," Jungkook hears Taehyung through his headphone. "Is it 12 yet? Is she coming? Is she bailing? Is this a good thing? Talk to me, hyung."

"You're okay," Seokjin sighs. "She's just late."

"But—"

"She's here," Namjoon breathes. Everyone in the van scrambles forward, fighting for the front seat to the monitors. The view from the camera shakes and is blurry at best, but Jungkook has to admit that Hoseok's wolf-whistles are apt.

Sujeong comes in a black crop top layered with a pink button down, sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She looks intimidatingly beautiful with her white skirt that stops just above her knees and cool combat boots that Jungkook wants for himself. He makes a mental note to buy more Timberlands. In gray.

"Oppa, I'm sorry," Sujeong's voice is as clear as Taehyung's nervousness. "Have you been waiting long?"

"Uh no, no, no, no, no, not at all," Taehyung stammers. Jungkook thinks this is a lot more fun than the dramas his hyungs allow him to watch at the dorm. "Uh.."

"Compliment her looks," Seokjin commands through his microphone.

"Say her boots are cool!" Jungkook suggests excitedly. This is possibly the first thing he's contributed to this mission.

"Tell her she has nice hair," Hoseok sighs. "So nice."

"She looks really pretty," Jimin adds. Lacks creativity as always, Jungkook observes.

This is what comes out of Taehyung's mouth: "Your boot's hair is pretty!"

Everyone in the van groans. Sujeong makes a cute questioning sound before laughing, and everybody swoons. Jungkook realizes that Bangtan really need to start meeting girls.

 

*

 

Their managers play the important role of jumping into the field with cameras, providing them with various vantage points of Taehyung's table. Jungkook thinks that they secretly enjoy this mission too much.

"Oppa, do you want to order for me?" Sujeong asks. "I don't understand anything in this menu," she adds with a shy giggle.

Jungkook can see some lines of the menu through Taehyung's camera, and, well, he's pretty sure Taehyung knows nothing about _foie gras_ , either. He probably thinks it's grass.

"Uh, okay," Taehyung says, feigning confidence. "What do you like? Beef? Chicken?"

"I'd eat anything, but I'm allergic to shrimps," she answers, smiling. "It's nothing lethal, I just, get really red on the face, like— anyway, I look terrible if I eat shrimp."

"I'm sure you still look pretty," Taehyung replies instantly.

Jimin makes an endeared sound. The rest of the van pretend to vomit, but Jungkook swears Namjoon and Hoseok can't hold their smiles afterwards. Sujeong, Jungkook assumes, looks like she just ate shrimps.

"I need to use the restroom," Sujeong says. "Pick something delicious for me, oppa."

Panic ensues as soon as Sujeong is out of sight. "Hyung, I can't even read half of these things!" Taehyung whisper-yells. "This is it. I'm screwed. We're screwed. Bangtan will never find love in the entertainment industry."

"Calm down, I've got you," Seokjin says. He scans around the van and stops to look behind Namjoon's head. "Accio iPad," he mutters with an unnecessary hand movement.

Namjoon stares at him blankly. Seokjin gives him a pointed look. Jungkook thinks his hyungs are stupid.

After a few more seconds of silent staring match and more panic whining from Taehyung, Namjoon hands Seokjin his iPad. "Thank you," Seokjin says, "about time." Namjoon rolls his eyes.

A waiter approaches Taehyung. "Have you decided what you're having, sir?"

"Help," Taehyung yelps. The waiter gives him a weird look. Jungkook would, too.

"Moonlight risotto," Seokjin answers, finally finding his notes. "And white wine."

Taehyung echoes Seokjin's selection although Jungkook thinks that _Moonlight Risotto_ sounds way too suspicious for lunch. White wine is also Not A Good Idea, considering how quickly Taehyung can turn into a clingy drunk.

"Order iced tea," Namjoon intercepts. Seokjin's attempt to protest is hindered by Namjoon's hand on top of his mouth. "Cancel white wine."

"Oh, uhh, on second thought, we'll just have iced tea," Taehyung tells the waiter. "That's all for now."

The waiter leaves and Taehyung fidgets on his seat, clearly out of his element. Jungkook feels kind of bad for him—it would probably have been better if he'd gone to the zoo and do what he knows. "Taehyung, stay calm, okay?" Yoongi says carefully. "We're going off-comm for, like, five minutes."

Taehyung fidgets more. "Okay," he squeaks.

Yoongi turns off the microphones and turns to Seokjin. "Hyung, what the hell?" he snaps. "White wine? You know Taehyung is already weird without being drunk!"

"It's recommended!" Seokjin defends himself. "This blog says it all, _moonlight risotto is best with white wine_ ," he points to a line on his iPad, "here."

Yoongi groans, hands on his head. Namjoon does the same thing. Jungkook knows they both know Seokjin means well. "This is a bad idea," Yoongi says. "Should've let the kid go to the zoo."

Namjoon nods in agreement. "It's his first date and he already looks miserable!"

"Alright, stop, stop," Hoseok tries, raising both hands. He glances at the monitor. "Sujeong is probably coming back any minute now, so let's.. endure," he says, "help Taehyung get through this one."

"Yeah," Jungkook voices, "I mean, we're already here."

Yoongi squints. "Yeah, you're right, sorry," he says. "Let's.. keep him sober, though."

"Agreed," Seokjin replies.

The microphones turn on with a click. "Hi, Taehyung, we're back. Nope, you're okay. _No, don't eat the wasabi_. Yes, right, stay still."

 

*

 

Jungkook thinks it's a miracle, or maybe just Sujeong being an awesome date, because when she returns, everything is sunshines and daisies. They banter easily and laugh a lot in between their meals, and Jungkook is ready to call this mission a success.

"Aww, look at him, he's so in love, it's terrible," Hoseok coos. Jimin, still on his lap, supports him with a giggle. "Little Taehyungie."

"Stop grinning, you're being obvious," Yoongi mumbles to his microphone. He's smiling, though, so Jungkook assumes he's just as endeared.

"Shut up, hyung," Taehyung hisses. Jungkook buries his face in his palms. This stupid hyung.

"What's that, oppa?" Sujeong, being the reasonable human being that she is, asks.

Taehyung waves both hands in the air. "Ah, oh, uhm nothing, nothing," he says, way too loudly. "Do you want desserts?"

Sujeong smiles, apparently just as easily distracted as Taehyung, and nods. This is when Jungkook notices The Problem. "Hyung, look," he whispers, nudging Jimin on his ribs.

"Ow! What the hell, Jeon Jungkook," Jimin whines. Jungkook just points to the monitor. "Oh shit."

"What?" Hoseok asks.

"Off-comm, off-comm!" Jimin signals to Yoongi frantically.

"Taehyung, we're going off-comm for five minutes," Yoongi says, and before Taehyung says anything, "bye!"

"Okay, what is it?" Namjoon complains.

"Hyung what's in your stupid moonlight risotto?" Jimin asks Seokjin.

Seokjin frowns, takes a glance at the monitor, clasps one hand over his mouth, and urgently browses for something on his iPad. "Oh shit," he squeaks. "Prawn oil."

People understand in slightly different speeds, but within ten seconds they all groan in unison. Sujeong's face, at this point, is strawberry pink, and Taehyung's awareness of the situation is still zero.

"Do we tell him?" Jimin asks, looking particularly at Namjoon and Seokjin. "What does your sexy brain say, hyung?"

Namjoon groans and throws all the notes he's been taking at Seokjin's direction. "His mess, he fix it," he grumbles.

While his hyungs argue, Jungkook starts thinking, WWKTD - What Would Kim Taehyung Do. He would, first of all, not understand the gravity of the situation, because he would only see it as Sujeong 'blushing beautifully' instead of 'having a severe allergic reaction'. Then he would say just that— _it's okay, you look beautiful!_

Conclusion: tell him.

"Too late," Jimin says, dreadful as he points at the monitor. Yoongi turns the communication line on immediately.

"Miss, are you alright?" a waitress stands by the table, asking Sujeong. Everyone in the van holds their breath. Sujeong, currently, looks like a half boiled crab. "You look a little.. hot."

"Oh no," Sujeong gasps after a beat. She runs to the bathroom immediately after. Taehyung just looks lost.

"Hyung what—"

"I'm sorry, Taehyung," Seokjin sounds sincerely heartbroken and Jungkook instinctively pats him on the back. "My fault."

 

*

 

Half an hour, two portions of banana split, and three rounds of Seokjin vs Namjoon later, Sujeong finally returns from the ladies room, her face back to its normal shade. Taehyung stands up immediately when he spots Sujeong and runs to her to accompany her back to the table.

"Are you okay?" he asks, concern apparent in his voice. Sujeong nods slowly. "I'm sorry," Taehyung adds meekly.

"It's okay," Sujeong replies with a smile. Either she really, _really_ likes Taehyung, Jungkook thinks, or she's probably an angel.

No one in the van dares to say anything. Namjoon has his chin pointed out weirdly, Jimin is biting his lips, and Hoseok is holding Yoongi's hand so he can't bite his nails. Seokjin is covering his eyes with his fingers. Jungkook just wants all of this to be over.

Surprisingly, or maybe, _not_ surprisingly, it is Sujeong who speaks up first. "Oppa, are you okay?" she asks carefully. "You don't seem like yourself today."

Taehyung rubs his face repeatedly before taking out his earpiece. Hoseok shrieks in the van. Dramatically, Taehyung throws the earpiece into his glass of water. Yoongi screams. A weak whimpering noise can be heard from one of their managers.

Meanwhile, Sujeong looks cute when she's confused: an observation by Jeon Jungkook.

"I, uh.. I.. I really like you!" Taehyung stutters. "I was afraid I'll mess things up so I asked for help from my hyungs," he explains. "But I'm done! I want to be myself from now on!"

Sujeong just gapes at her date. Taehyung soldiers on. "I have a microphone strapped to my chest and I'd take that out, too, but I think that's going too far for a first date." He hesitates. "Unless you want me to?"

Sujeong shakes her head quickly, blushing almost as if she just had another portion of moonlight risotto. "No, it's okay," she pauses and reaches for Taehyung's hand. This time Namjoon makes a high-pitched sound. "Oppa, I really like you, too," Sujeong says with a bashful smile.

This, Jungkook thinks, feels a lot like that one time when they watch the last episode of _Emergency Couple_ —Jungkook at the edge of his seat, Hoseok gaping at the monitor, Seokjin peeking through his fingers. For a moment, neither Taehyung nor Sujeong says anything. Yoongi repeatedly clicks on the controls to make sure he didn't accidentally turn Taehyung's microphone off.

They're still holding hands, Jungkook notices. It looks a lot like a scene from a manga. "If you're free tomorrow, do you wanna try again?" comes Taehyung's voice.

Sujeong smiles, and gives him a silent nod. Jungkook is pretty sure those are tears on Jimin's eyes. And Seokjin's.

"I hope you like the zoo."

 

*

 

This time, they aren't exactly _invited_.

"Ow, hyung, you're stepping on my foot!" Jimin protests as Namjoon's left shoe takes its place on top of his toes.

They're hiding, unsuccessfully, Jungkook must say, behind two huge trees near the elephant cage, spying on Taehyung who is buying ice cream for his date. This time he wears a striped shirt he borrowed from Yoongi, jeans, and his orange Converse. Namjoon's F snapback tucked on his head. Sujeong also looks a lot more casual, wearing jeans and t-shirt and a baby blue hoodie. Whether she really dresses like Taehyung's ideal type or she has been researching about her oppa, Jungkook will probably never know.

"They're moving!" Yoongi informs the group. "Go, go!"

Jungkook takes back everything he said about Bangtan being private investigators. He does not think it is at all possible. Zero subtlety. Ungraceful movements. Way too loud. The only reason they haven't been caught this time, is because it's Taehyung they're following.

Jungkook does not see the point of this stakeout. Seokjin and Namjoon claimed they're curious. Hoseok and Jimin are just naturally nosy, and Yoongi said someone has to control the ruckus. Jungkook is just tagging along. They watch as Taehyung places his snapback on Sujeong's head and Sujeong smiling, maybe whispering _thank you, oppa_ , in her little voice. Jungkook feels his skin crawl from the cute.

"Can we leave?" he asks, since he's apparently the only reasonable person in this group.

"Can we get closer? I wanna hear what they're saying," Jimin requests milliseconds later. Of course, this is the request that's granted by their older, more mature hyungs.

"Oppa, did your members come along again today?" Sujeong's voice can be heard clearly from where they're standing this time. The question has them scrambling for places to hide.

Taehyung is infinitely clueless. "No?"

Sujeong whispers loud enough for them to hear. "I think they're here," she says. Jungkook can imagine Taehyung looking left and right trying to find them. "Too bad, because I wanted to kiss you if they weren't."

Jungkook hears a mix of Jimin's whimper and Hoseok's squeal, and suddenly everyone's staring at each other. Jungkook tries to figure out what the eye signals mean. It's either run and leave them alone or run and take Taehyung away from that kiss. It's more likely the first.

"They wouldn't mind," Jungkook catches Taehyung's voice before he has the chance to flee the scene. Being the Curious Youth that he is, Jungkook (and everyone else) peeks to see what's happening.

Here's what's happening: the snapback on Sujeong's head is turned backwards, and the wind is blowing on her hair. In the background, a group of giraffes are watching, not much different than Jungkook and the rest of Bangtan, as Taehyung places a quick peck on Sujeong's cheek then pulls away with a grin. Now, Jungkook is probably overusing this analogy, but _Sujeong looks like she just ate shrimp_.

Jungkook collapses onto the ground, back to his hiding place. Sujeong's little giggles fade out as the couple, Jungkook can only assume, walk away from their previous spot, probably hand in hand and extremely sweet, and no, Jungkook is not jealous. He just can't believe, that out of everyone, it is Taehyung who manages to score a date first.

"Guys, I just found out the saddest thing in my life," Namjoon breaks the silence. Nobody asks him what it is, but he continues anyway. "I live vicariously through Kim Taehyung's dating life."

"Hyung," Jungkook says as flatly as he can, "that _is_ the saddest thing I've ever heard." But his traitorous heart is screaming _SAME, hyung. ME TOO_ and Jungkook is Concerned. Jungkook wonders if IU-sunbaenim is still single. Tomorrow he'll ask the manager hyungs to find him her number.


End file.
